Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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