I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
