you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
