so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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