woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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