Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
