i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
