Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
