i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
