The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
