i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
