I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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