I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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