My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
