I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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