I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
