and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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