i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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