we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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