you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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