I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize