kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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