so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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