he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
