She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
