I can text with my tongue
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Can I color on your dick again?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize