I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
