I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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