So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
