When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
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