Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
