Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
