Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
