enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
