i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
