come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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