anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
