ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
