I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
