Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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