I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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