You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Two words: nipple clamps
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