Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize