just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
