i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize