I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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