have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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