Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
