Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
