Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize