I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
