Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
