rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
